Well, stuck on the first room, are we? Tut tut, you sad, pathetic drunk in moth-eaten yellowed underpants (and I'm not talking about the game here). Let's see if we can at least get you out of the starting block before you assume your usual submissive role of "quitter".

What's my exit strategy? The door, you numpty. Don't bother trying to get out of any escape tunnels you find. They're barely big enough to stick your arm in.

How do I unlock the door? You need a lockpick. A bit of wire or something will do the trick. There's one in there, just follow your nose.

I've found a bit of wire, but I can't reach it. Let me guess. You've tried the spoon? Didn't work. You've tried the shoelace? Didn't work. You've tried the condom? Didn't work either. Probably even tried the bottle. Well, boo hoo, guess the game's over. Oh, wait, did somebody forget about the EXAMINE and COMBINE functions? To EXAMINE, double tap an inventory item. You might get something you never knew you had, even if it's only wit. To COMBINE, select one inventory item, then tap another to see if you can use them together.

Cut the crap and just gimme the solution. Poke Hector to wake him up. Take down the POSTER to reveal the escape tunnel. Reach into the tunnel to get the SPOON. Lift the mattress to reveal the CONDOM. Pick it up (yeah, I know). Use SPOON to pry off grate (no, you can't fit through it, fatty). Reach into the open grate to get the SHOE. Double tap the SHOE to get the LACE. Combine LACE with CONDOM to make a NET (desperate times). Use NET with TOILET to get PAPERCLIP (don't be ashamed to have a tinkle first). Double tap PAPERCLIP to straighten it into a LOCKPICK. Use LOCKPICK on door. EXIT TO RECEPTION.

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I love that look you get on your face when you're frustrated. Fat, pouty lips, crossed eyes, eyebrow furrow deep enough to hide a German soldier in, acne-flecked skin pockmarked with anger and twisted into a hideous sneer of confusion... oh, that's just your regular face. Sorry.

The little turd won't give me his trousers. It's no use trying to find a weapon; you've got to chat him up to get his trousers off. And be subtle, will you? Don't just go verbally lunging for the trousers. This isn't hen's night at the Broken Arms. Just tell me what I need to say. Cripes, kids today. Everything now now now. Find out why he's there, and get him talking about ASBOs. For the Yanks playing this, an ASBO is like a social demerit. You've been dobbed in by your neighbour/shop owner/old people at the mall, but not enough to really charge you, so you get an ASBO. Like a scout badge for bad kids. Anyway, tell him ASBOs are old school, and you can hook him up with something bigger. Surely even you can work it out from the choices.

How do I unlock the car? The keys are in the lockbox behind the desk in reception. You need a tool traditionally used for breaking and entering, found in an area where it looks like someone's already broken and exited.

Car's unlocked, but how do I get it running? Where do I get a fanbelt? Have a chat with the 'ladies' out front of the station. They don't know beans about cars (except maybe the rear shocks), but you might get a freebie. Eurgh. So how do I get it from her? If you want her garter, she needs a client (but not in the way you think, you sick freak). You need to find a way to make her more, er, marketable (keeping in mind that a gastric bypass is a little beyond your capabilities). So how do I get THAT from HIM? 'THAT' is the mouthwash (the absolute minimum you could do to make Fatimah more marketable, but every little helps). 'HIM' is Trampy Tim. And as for 'HOW'... well, I realise it's a bit cryptic, him being Scottish and all, but there's a big clue when he says things like, 'DRINK giv'suh DRINK ah wuntuh DRINK'. (If you haven't even found Trampy Tim yet, maybe you should go download a colouring app or something; mystery's not really your genre.) Where do I get him a drink? A 'drink' is usually assembled with two parts: the liquid, and the receptacle. Find a receptacle he's likely to be receptive to, and fill it with something that's not likely to kill him or be a drain on the National Health budget. How do I charge the battery? The answer's at the bus stop. There's a bus stop? You're kidding me. Did your mother have any children who lived? How do I get the taser? You don't need the taser, you just need the charge inside it. Okay then, how do I get tased? Buggeration, mate, don't do anything painful, strenuous, or even uncomfortable when you can find someone else to do it for you. See if you can find some poor mug who's dumb enough to take a bullet for you (when I say 'bullet', I am of course speaking metaphorically. I actually mean '10000 volts to the genitals'). I'm still not following. Gordon Bennett, if you were any slower you'd be in a salad. Look, if the lady wants a sexpest, go find her a sexpest. There's more than one key on that ring.

I have no shame. Answer, please. RECEPTION: Get the kid talking about ASBOs, then offer him indecent exposure (not like THAT). Get the TROUSERS from him. Use EMPTY BOTTLE (floor of the cell) with coffee pot to get BOTTLE OF COFFEE. Go outside, then head right to the Alley. ALLEY: Get the CROWBAR from the ladder. Give BOTTLE OF COFFEE to Trampy Tim. When he leaves, take his MOUTHWASH. RECEPTION: Use CROWBAR with locker to get KEYS. Use KEYS with kid to free him. STREET YOUTH is now your bitch. STATION ENTRANCE: Use KEYS with car. It won't start. Surprise surprise. Open the bonnet (USA = hood) to find out it needs a battery charge and a fanbelt. Give MOUTHWASH to the jubbly jezebel. Follow her to the Alley and pick up discarded GARTER without getting too caught up in the morbid spectacle. Go left and left again to the Bus Stop. BUS STOP: Sidle up to the old lady all sexy-like. You learn very quickly that she sexy no-like. Use your handy pocket STREET YOUTH with old lady. Bingo! ELECTRIC YOB. STATION ENTRANCE: Use YOB with bonnet to charge battery (USA = Use hood with hood). Use GARTER to replace the fanbelt. Tally Ho!

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Nice work, chump. When you think about it, all you've really done so far is wake up, find some trousers and get to work a couple hours late. Just like real life. Give yourself a pat on the back. I'll assume you've survived your encounter with the rifle-wielding maniac (if you died during negotiations, please let us know. We never programmed that into the game, but we did program the engine with biomatter, so it has the capability to learn and eventually rule over us all). By the way, you've now got access to Lambert. He's dumb as a sack of dead hamsters, but he occasionally pinches out a nugget of wisdom that not even he knew he possessed. If you get stuck, try talking to him first. At the very least, he'll make you feel intellectually superior, if only for a moment.

How do I fix the clock? How do I get into the clock tower? Ah, come on. You didn't even try! The answer's right behind you. At least, it was right behind you when you were standing at the clock tower door.   How do I get the old coot to help me? The last thing he needs is another cobjockey banging on about fixing the damn clock. What he really needs is a friend. Or reasonable facsimile. Go on, have a cuddle and ask him about the good old days.   Where do I find the minute hand? You know what helps me when I can't think of a solution? I drive nails into my fingers. Or sometimes I just take a walk through the park to clear my head.   Found the minute hand. How do I get it? Well done. You've been stumped by three short-arsed chimps in hoodies. A quick tete-a-tete will reveal that they're not moving unless they float away with the aid of hallucenogens. Now THAT WOULD BE IMMORAL to give real drugs to kids. But it doesn't say anything in the police handbook about giving fake drugs to cheeky twats. What kind of fake drugs? The kind that look like drugs but aren't. Where do I get fake drugs? Look for a fellow who's high on life, and see what he's willing to share with you (for the right price). Okay, they've cleared off, but the staff's still stuck. Sigh. I've met plastic forks with more imagination than you. Look, you need to loosen it up with a bit of grease or lube to slide it out. Sounds a bit sordid? It is. Go find some lube from a likely source (hint: not the Clocksmith, although if you were stuck alone in a clock for 30 years, betcha lube would be top of your list). Where do I find a giant X? Try the porn shop. They've kinda cornered the market on the X.   Found the X. How do I get it? You get access to the X, you need to get upstairs. To get upstairs, you need to get past the staff security door. To get past the security door, you need to get past that fat bastard, Filthy Rich. You also need a pass code to open the door. Honestly, it's not worth the effort. Go play Angry Birds or something. (For a more helpful answer, check out the section on Filthy Rich. I couldn't be arsed to copy and paste it in here.) Okay, I'm in. NOW how do I get it? Tool. What are you waiting around for? Oh, you thought I was just insulting you. No, that's the solution, you pock-faced, bandy-legged, brainless, buck-toothed son of an arse biscuit with permeating body odour.

How do help the guy in the park? Where do I get some money? Looking for a handout, eh? Isn't everybody. Cripes, if I had 50p for every time somebody asked me for 50p I'd, er, break even I guess. Look, if you need a bit of cash, go hit your boss up for an advance on your allowance.   Where do I get a whole lot of money? So the terrorism slush fund just won't cut the mustard? Hell, it won't even fill a jar of mustard. Well, cheer up, bucko. Lucky for you, you live in a town of opportunity; there's always a shady business deal or a scheduled briefcase drop going down somewhere. And, double-ducky lucky for you, as an officer of the law you might be able to share in the perks of just such an arrangement. Just keep deep-core probing the inner depths of your miserable rectum of a city, and see what you can root out.   Okay, I've got a lead on that cash. But... How do I get that guy out of the toilet? What is it with you? Does your daddy do all your homework for you? Here's you: "Oooh, uh, like, I knocked on the door, right, and like, um, he was like NO, and so I knocked again and he was like NO again so I was like, whatever, and I just switched off the game." I'm not helping you with this one. In fact, just for asking this question, you owe us another £2.39. Where do I get a distinctive hairstyle? All I'm gonna say is, you'd look dynamite with an afro. Where do I get a handbag? Somewhere in your past, someone you met is not all that he seems. Oh, sure, he gives the impression that he's a talentless, drawling, half-witted, vaccuous tosser. But he's actually a talentless, drawling, half-witted, vaccuous criminal. Remember, it's not what you know, it's who you spy on who knows who you know. Got a handbag, but... It ain't red, right? So paint it, monkeynuts. Bobo Bryans on a flippin' treadmill, it's like pulling fingernails with you. What is the thing? What thing?

How do I close down the Exotico? How do I get through the staff door? Two obstacles: a tiny one that beeps when you press the buttons, and one that's so big he beeps when he reverses. Which one do you want to deal with first, because between you and me, both are pretty damn convoluted, and for me to say that, that must be PRETTY DAMN CONVOLUTED. How do I move Mount Rich? Filthy Rich only loves one thing: Porn. He surrounds himself with it. He breathes it. He eats it. So how do you shift a man who's voyeuristic desire for explicit interracial threesomes is only outweighed by his considerable mass? Easy. You take away his explicit interracial threesome. What the hell does that even mean? Just change the damn VHS tape, alright? With what? You thought it was just a coincidence that in the brave new modern world of Blu-Ray that you've stumbled across the only two people left in the world (yes, two) with working VCRs? Go find the other one, you unobservant tossbag. What's the door code? How should I know? Have you interrogated everyone in the vicinity of the porn shop? Some cop you are. I know who's got it, but... He wants something from you, doesn't he? Wake up, this is how these games work. What did he ask for? Something tangible, right? Something he can enjoy with a little touchy-touchy squeezy-squeezy, right? Well, go find something he can get his meathooks into. Found it, but I can't afford it. You mean you can't buy a life-like Menage a Moi top of the range love doll with charm and kisses? Toss pot. Of course you can't. But maybe with a little searching you can find a suitable stand-in. He won't take the one I found. Would YOU? Buggeration, forget I asked. Listen, one man's junkie is another man's treasure. Go find that other man (Hint: it isn't me. I'm through with you). How do I get past the lasers? Sigh. What am I supposed to find in the office? There's plenty to be found, but to be totally frank, not much that'll help you with this demand. As for the clock and the tourist guy, well, jackpot. Did I say jackpot? I meant tosspot. What about the basement? By now, if you've been chatty with the locals, you should have noticed they've dropped more hints than the Germans did during the Blitz: the only way you're going to take down his business is to TAKE DOWN HIS BUSINESS. What are you supposed to find, you ask? Pretty much everything you need, except maybe something to weaken the foundations. What will weaken the foundations? Here's a joke: What's black, corrosive, and comes in a ceramic jug marked XXX? Give up? You might as well if you can't figure this one out for yourself. You've probably been dragging it around in your inventory for half an hour without a clue what to do with it. And then what? Sorry, punk. I'm not going to deny you the joy of working this one out for yourself. It would completely remove any shred of sense of self-worth you may still be clinging to like a near-sighted mountaineer to an alpine daisy. This one's all yours.

No more riddles, no more insults. Spill it. HOSTAGE SCENE: Talk to the terrorist. If you're just going for speed, keep choosing option 1 until you can ask what he wants, but if you're reading the all-access answer section I can't imagine you think you deserve any bragging rights just for finishing first. Only once you know what he wants do you receive a MAP. Before you go, talk to Meeks (the bald one). He'll give you a JAR OF COINS. Use the MAP to travel to the PORN SHOP. PORN SHOP: Enter the Exotico. Take some FREE LUBE and walk out. Ask Blind Ali about the security door. He'll tell you he knows the code, but you've gotta get him something touchy-feely from the shop. He's talking about the love doll that you can't afford. Now you know what he wants, so let's go elsewhere. I should add here: if you can't find the option to talk to him about the security door, maybe you should have followed the instructions where it said "1. Enter the Exotico". You've got to know there's a security door before you can start asking about it. You're not psychic (ain't that bleedin' obvious?). CLOCK TOWER: Pick up NEEDLE on the park bench. Use the NEEDLE to pick the lock on the tiny door. Talk to the Clocksmith. If you dive right in and ask him about the clock, he'll tell you to piss off. But, if you listen to a bunch of his war stories, you'll be able to bring him around to the subject of clocks, and the act of fixing them; he'll tell you to bring him a MINUTE HAND and an X (number 10). Before you leave, try to sample a taste of his triple-distilled gelignite. Yum! PARK: Make eye contact with the Tourist Rep: he'll give you a WHO CARES BADGE. Grind your teeth through a little cheerful chat with him. He'll tell you he's after a donation. Give him a paltry donation from your COIN JAR. He'll give you some tasty MINTS. Continue conversation, and he'll give you a lofty goal of £25000 to drum up. Swallow back your vomit, then enter the park. Inside the park you'll notice a lovely statue, of which you would soon realise if you had any observational skills or integrity for problem solving that the BISHOP'S STAFF would make a perfect MINUTE HAND for the clock tower. But there are some surly pre-teens in the way. After a quick chinwag with the charming youngsters, hand them the MINTS. They'll think it's E and clear off to have a little rave in the corner. Pick up discarded SPRAYPAINT in front of the statue. The STAFF is stuck, so use your LUBE to grease it up. Take the STAFF. Head to the public toilets. Kick the JUNKIE into the Lovedoll box so he appears in your Inventory. Enter the toilets. You'll overhear a shady conversation about a large sum of cash. Only problem is that the drop instructions are inside the stall with the dropper (who may or may not be also dropping a deuce). Leave the toilets. The dropper exits behind you. Go back into his stall and see what treasures he's left behind for you (not in the bowl, you dunce). You're going to need a DISTINCTIVE HAIRSTYLE and a RED DESIGNER HANDBAG. Sadly for you, they're not in here. CLOCK TOWER: Give STAFF to Clocksmith. He'll let you go upstairs now. Take the DRILL from the stool. Look out of the broken clock face. Guess what? Busker McCusker's not all he seems. He's got knock-off DESIGNER HANDBAGS in his drum. Head back out into the square to talk to the Busker (you'll see the Clocksmith attaching the minute hand on your way out). Toss him a penny from your COIN JAR and, like the pregnant chain-smoking athletic-wear-sporting yummy mummy on benefits, request "Papa's got a Brand New Bag". You will receive a BRAND NEW BAG. But it's blue. Bollocks. Go back into the clock. Turn off VCR and take the VIDEO TAPE. Open his closet and take the EMPTY JUG. Fill the EMPTY JUG with some of the Clocksmith's tasty corrosive MOONSHINE. You're done here for now. PORN SHOP: Though wholly unattractive, give the JUNK-IN-A-BOX to Filthy Rich. Thanks to his Unlimited Returns program, he'll exchange it for the MENAGE A MOI. It's the display model, but beggars can't be choosers. Give MENAGE A MOI to Blind Ali. He'll give you the DOOR CODE. Now you've just gotta get that fat bastard out of your way with a distraction. Use the Clocksmith's VIDEO TAPE with the VCR on left. The video will change and Rich will drive out from behind the counter to fix it. Once Filthy Rich is at the VCR, go to the security door. Type the code and away you go. Practically just like they got into the vault in Ocean's 11. Switch off the lasers and head upstairs. In Rich's office, Open the left picture behind the desk and take the WIG. Distinctive, no? Use the Clocksmith's DRILL to detach the X. Go back down and out the front of the shop to retrieve the X. Take it and run! CLOCK TOWER: Give the X to the Clocksmith. CLOCK TOWER FIXED FIRST TASK COMPLETE PORN SHOP: Now that the X is gone, the hatch to the basement is open. Score! Who knows what treasures await in yon basement of delights? Turns out, not much. Open the box of returns to reveal (eurgh) used vibrators. For God's sake, don't touch them! Pour the Clocksmith's MOONSHINE onto the central building support. It's weak, but still need a good shake to knock down the place. Luckily, there's that box of vibrators I just mentioned. But how to get them all vibrating at once? If only that mealy-faced sexpest from the Police Station were still in your pocket. Pick up the CABLE on the floor. Switch on the light. Bulb pops, dodgy wiring is mentioned. Time to hook up some dodgy wiring of your own. Connect the CABLE from the box of vibrators to the light socket... and flip the switch. PORN SHOP DEMOLISHED SECOND TASK COMPLETE PARK: Time for your scheduled meet as described explicitly in the public toilets (it's amazing how often this game mimics your real life). Combine the RED SPRAYPAINT with the BLUE HANDBAG to get BLUE SPRAYPAINT. Ah, gotcha sucker. It's really a RED HANDBAG. Combine the RED HANDBAG with the WIG to complete your DISGUISE, then put it on. You'll look like a douche, but you can't proceed without it, so just play along. A Gangster emerges (presumably he's been in the bushes the whole time), and starts asking you about The Thing. I don't mind telling you, I still don't know what the Thing is, and neither does Hector, so you've gotta do some think-on-your-feet supercop bamboozling to get him to believe you're the guy. Rattle around in the conversation for a while, and look for the eventual option of "You tosspot. You don't think I'm stupid enough to bring the thing with me, do you?" (this option shows up soon after you've eaten the silica gel, if that helps). Kimbo hands over the BRIEFCASE and he and the Gangster depart hand in hand. So what if you've got a price on your head now? You've got the cash and that's all that matters. Take your sizable donation to the Tourist Rep, and make his lovely day even lovelier! TOURIST REP FUNDED THIRD TASK COMPLETE Congratulations! You're a dirty no good cheat with an imagination like a rusty colander who can't finish a moderately clever game without having a hand held through the tricky bits! Well done, you! Enjoy your cutscene! You've earned it!