HECTOR: BADGE OF CARNAGE Episode 2 & 3: We Negotiate With Telltale


Alright, some of you coachpokers out there have been making wild speculations about the whereabouts of the Hector Dev Team. Let us begin by setting the record straight: we’re not dead, we haven’t shoved off to the Caymans with your £2.39, and there is absolutely no truth to the rumour that we’re being held at knifepoint by any of the special interest groups that we may or may not have offended during the making of Episode 1.

To those of you who could be bothered enough to verbally waterboard the support line about the future fate of the fat one, sorry to have been so vague, evasive, or just plain weird. It wasn’t easy keeping quiet. It seemed like every day we had to delete inbox upon inbox of emails wanting the same answers.

Finally, the duct tape has been ripped from our mouths and we’ve been released from the rolled up carpet in the back corner of the self storage unit. You’ve broken us. We’ll talk.

Prepare yourselves for Hector’s latest plot twist – Straandlooper and Telltale Games are teaming up to complete the Hector: Badge of Carnage series, kicking off Spring 2011 with a multi-platform re-release of Episode 1, followed by Episodes 2 and 3 later this year.

What does this mean for Detective Inspector Hector? Before now, Hector was only available to you elitist, phone-fingering gadget hounds in glorious pocket-sized resolution. Telltale’s going to be taking whatever nauseating corners of Clappers Wreake we’ve had the displeasure of smearing together and slapping them all into their all-powerful godlike game engine. Then, Hector will be set free to run rampant through PCs, Macs and iPads of an unforgiving world.

Experience Hector as he was meant to be experienced: on the medium screen! Imagine the unbridled glee on your face when you go condom-fishing in the holding-cell bog in eye-gouging high-resolution! Experience the hypnotic smacking of Blind Ali’s wet lips as he spouts perverse inappropriate burblings in 5.1 digital surround! On so many platforms, Hector can now be enjoyed by the whole family!*

*Family enjoyment not recommended by the ratings board.

So sit back, grab a cherry bakewell and sink yourself into some other plotless, high-budget, new release frag-fest as we work well past our bedtimes to deliver something extra special to further disappoint you all.

We are so good to you. Too good, probably.

Oh, and for the love of all things smothered in sweet chilli sauce, will all you cobjockeys who thought you’d rate us one-star on the App Store in some sort of lame protest (which, honestly, had all the effectiveness of holding your breath until your face turns blue), kindly go replace them with a decent rating otherwise we’ll have to come round to your cardboard box with some motivational tools such as a gift-wrapped truncheon and some ravenous police dogs. Nobody wants that. Believe me, I’ve been there.

Dream the dream.

- Team Hector, Straandlooper.

What’s your favourite Hector-ism?

The first installment of the Hector : Badge of Carnage trilogy of games – ‘We Negotiate with Terrorists‘ introduced the world to Hector : Fat Arse of the Law – the hard-nosed, soft-bellied Detective Inspector with the Clappers Wreake Police Department. Violent, drunken, vulgar and with an unhealthy taste for all things criminal, corrupt or smothered in curry sauce.

The Badge of Carnage game pays homage to the golden age of point and click adventure gaming. Instead of fast-paced tapping and gobs of attacking alien hordes, these games were fueled by nonsensical inventory items, favour-hungry reprobates and a relentless stream of witty one-liners. And the Hector game does not disappoint in any of these departments. The Hector game has somewhere in the neighbourhood of 2,500 lines of dialogue and some of the best damn writing that what you will ever read, innit.

Hector Out Now

Who can forget Hector’s opening gambit:

What the hell happened last night? Last I remember was doing the conga……with a nun….or was it a goat?

Or his parting shot at the punk kid in the police reception room:

Let that be a life lesson to you, you little crud. You want a free ride? Join the police.

That should give you a small insight into mind of the man, but in order to get a feel for the real nature of the man you have to dive right into the game and get your hands dirty exploring every every room and location so you not only get immersed in the dingy disgusting town of Clappers Wreake but you will also quickly come to realise that Hector : Fat Arse of the Law is the most loathsome character to hit the App Store since Jamie Oliver.

I would be interested to hear what your favourite Hector lines were from the Badge of Carnage game. Get in touch and let me know what particular pearl of wisdom from Clappers Wreake’s answer to Sigmund Freud has stuck in your mind. Or if you haven’t yet got your hands on a copy of the game and are wondering what the hell I am crapping on about, join the club, and then head on over to iTunes and download your copy now.

Who is your favourite Clapper?

We’re running a bit of a sweep-stake in the station here at the minute. Jarvis has gone all Holywood since his starring role in the Hector : Badge of Carnage game for the iPhone. He now even refuses to let the station CCTV film him without us first contacting his agent. Nonse. So the talk around the station is about who is the most popular character in the first installment of the Badge of Carnage games.

Hector Badge of Carnage

Hector, being Hector, couldn’t give a toss about this, and when asked to comment he told me in no uncertain terms to “Foxtrot Oscar”. Always the professional that man. Even his insults are in standard issue police phonetics. But I am interested to find out what you make of the Clappers Wreakers featured in the game. What do you make of Hector? Do you think he is as big an Alpha-Hotel as I do? Or are you a fan of Jarvis – the weasley assistant to Chief Superintendent Meeks. Or does the blustering buffoonery of Meeks spin your props. Or maybe it is mild mannered goofball Lambert that keeps you coming back to the game for more.

Jarvis Meeks Lambert Hector Badge of Carnage

Or maybe it is someone from outside of the Clappers Wreake Police Station that tickles your gaming pickle. Is it busking sensation and Clappers Wreake’s answer to Rhydian – Busker McCusker? Or maybe it is the lecherous old pervert Blind Ali? Or maybe it is another one of the colourful array of characters that line the grubby streets of the crime capital of Britain.

Blind Ali Busker McCusker Hector Badge of Carnage

We did a quick straw poll among the inhabitants of Clappers Wreake to see who they thought was the most popular character in the Badge of Carnage game.

Hector Badge of Carnage Poll

As you can see the people of Clappers Wreake are a polite and erudite bunch who have really got behind the game that has put their town on the map for reasons other than being the only town in Britain to have recorded an incident where a ice rink had to be closed due to the customers using the skates to stab people.

So in a bid to stop the madness gripping the Clappers Wreake Police Station, why don’t you let us know who your favourite character in the game is. It might finally make Jarvis sit up and take notice of the fact that people generally despise him, and he is not a star, but in fact he is just a loathsome little turd. You can get in touch with me by e-mail, or by posting a comment here, or on the Hector Files Facebook page and I will post the most colorful responses.

Hector more offensive than Snooki?

I was on iTunes as they have just released the new series of Jersey Shore (I can’t get enough of that Snooki girl. They simply don’t make them like that over here) and I thought that I would have a quick squizz at the Hector : Badge of Carnage page to see how the old girl was getting on. Well, it seems to be going down better than an Italian footballer inside the penalty area.

Hector Ratings

Not that this comes as much of a surprise, as I have been rabbiting on about how great the game is for some time now. It has been called the best original point and click adventure game on the App Store, so the fact that our punters are full of praise for the game is quite understandable.

Hector Badge of Carnage Out Now

Here is a just a sample of some of the things that the growing collection of Hector Heads have had to say about the game so far…

“Hilarious – The Funniest game I have played in a LONG time. Very entertaining. The game has good depth and kept me busy for a good day or two – making it great value for money.”

“This game is funnier than a vegetable that has grown into a rude and amusing shape! Brilliant!”

“Well…it’s OK…I suppose…. No it’s not!!!! It’s B****y Brilliant! Voice acting, great acting, superb humour, unusual and imaginative puzzles; this really is a cut above the competition.”

“It’s like Monkey Island, with hookers. Great for any fans of the old style point and click adventures.”

“Had me aching with laughter. Very well thought out, logical puzzles and great voice acting. Highly recommended.”

“This really is a top quality piece of work, easily on a par with the best Lucasarts adventures!”

“What a great game! Like some of the early PC games before techonology got too clever. Love the humour and the animation style.”

“Bloody Fantastic – excellent writing, great visuals, and the humour (though totally in the gutter) is top-notch. The gameplay is solid and it’s a refreshing change of game style to waht the market is filled with.”

“Awesome – Best game in ages, really well styled and the first truly funny game I think I’ve ever played”

“A superbly put together and very well thought out Monkey Island style adventure”

“Brilliant – Best App I have bought. Well worth the money. Couldn’t stop playing it.”

“Smutty…Rude…Love it”

“I regret passing this by when I first looked – its like Monkey Island crossed with Monty Phyton and grime. Absolutley brilliant.”

“It’s so addictive!!!! And such a great price for the amount you get in it! … 5/5, 10/10 or 100/100 whatever you want to call it! It’s worth it!!”

“Have been looking for a new point and click style adventure for a while. This game is bloody awesome! great animation, great dialogue and great humour. A must have for any adventure fan.”

“I’ve been waiting for a game that makes me laugh instantly and this has it all. It is possibly the reason why the iPhone was invented. Six Stars.”

“An utterly genius game from start to finish”

“Rarely do I rate and review apps but I enjoyed this game so much that I felt the developers deserved my 5 Stars.”"This game has it all! A sordid, witty and refreshing sense of humour, a game that won’t ever be beaten and also so original I was dumbfounded! Don’t think, just buy! It’s a steal!!!”

“I purchased this game thinking it would be ok, something to fill a boring 15 min tea break at work but actually found what can only be described as the best game for the iPhone ever. I’ve barley been able to put it down and have on mnay occassions laughed out loud. I’m totally hooked.”

“I’ve played all of the major adventure games from LucasArts etc and this isone of the best I’ve ever played. hector is a brilliantly curmedgeonly larger than life character who I look ofrward to playing again. Like a cross between Sam n Max and Full Throttle but set in grimey England.”

“The best App I have bought ever!!”

Phew! Sorry I did go on a bit there. I’m like a 1970 Ford Pinto, once you start me it’s hard to stop me. There were a great many more excellent reviews, and I should point out that even some of the ratbirds who gave the game 1 star, only did so because they want episode 2. Well, I want the BBC to bring back El-Dorado, but some things are just out of your control, so just sit tight and you will find out about episode 2 in due course.

So all that is really left to do is to download Jersey Shore and settle down for a good night in front of the laptop, with a tub of Haagen-Dasz in one hand and a packet of Kleenex in the other. For my tears of joy obviously. Oh, and you might want to download Hector : Badge of Carnage, but if you haven’t done that already afetr all of these mugs telling you how good it is, then I am clearly dealing with idiots.

Point and Click Game on YouTube

I was just browsing YouTube looking for videos of police brutality as normal when I came across this interesting little project. Now, I would normally run a mile from this sort of tosh, but this one was so intriguing that I actually missed the lunch time special at the Broken Arms. And this week it was a Lobster Vindaloo and a Pint of Snake Bite for £5.99 so you better believe that I was engrossed as I would normally miss my own mother’s birthday for that sort of spread.

Some punter called Robert Allmand released this interactive game portion of his escapism vs. reality project entitled Howard Glitch.

The game is interesting as it uses YouTube’s placed comment links to lead you through a variety of videos where you use both YouTube controls and logic to manoeuvre your way through the story. It’s basically a YouTube point and click adventure game. Which is pretty neat.

But when it comes to point and click adventures, you really can’t beat Hector : Badge of Carnage for the iPhone, iPod Touch and iPad. The production values between this Howard Glitch carry on and Hector are pretty similar, but then YouTube doesn’t allow you to feature any porn, whereas Hector has managed to smuggle some filthy bits past Apple and includes its very own Exotico porn shop. Almost worth Badge of Carnage’s £2.39 price tag alone!

Anyway, I thought this YouTube thingy was a worth a look so if you can be arsed, go and have a look. I better get back to work here as I have a pile of important case notes that I am meant to be working on, and they aren’t going to ‘accidently’ find their way into the shredder themselves.

If Lost was a 1980′s point and click adventure game….

I just stumbled across this excellent blog post from Robert Penney, a Graphic Designer from Melbourne or Perth in Australia. Not sure which. But somewhere bloody far away and hot anyway. He has done some artwork looking at how TV’s LOST might look as a late ’80s point-and-click computer game, merging the interface of ‘Monkey Island‘ with the earlier graphic style of titles like ‘Maniac Mansion‘.

Lost Game Animation Hector Badge of Carnage

Robert has made a series of iPhone wallpapers that you can download from his site. Just click on the above image to go to the site. My particular favourite is the one with Claire telling Charlie “I don’t like liars near moiye baby”. The artwork has attracted praise from luminaries such as David Fox and Ron Gilbert – people who might know a thing or two about the Maniac Mansion and Monkey Island games.

Lost Wallpaper Badge of Carnage

So with all of the talk of Episode 2 of Hector : Badge of Carnage, can Hector-heads expect a trip back in time for the second installment and a game that is even more of a tribute to the classic point and click adventure games from the 80′s than the first game ‘We Negotiate with Terrorists‘ was. Well, here is a sneak peek of the proposed packaging, so you will have to draw your own conclusions….


So, blow the dust of your floppy drive and keep your eyes on the blog and on Twitter and Facebook for news about the second installment of the Badge of Carnage games. Whatever comes of it, you can be sure that there will be no black smoke monsters or 140 year old men wearing  excessive eye make-up, but there might well be a frustrating and unfulfilling ending. But that’s just showbiz folks.

How do you solve a problem like Hector?

So you have given in to the relentless witterings from me on this blog and have gone onto iTunes and downloaded the Hector : Badge of Carnage game. Well done you. But have you got the nouse to get through the game without any help? Thought not. But we here at the Clappers Wreake Constabulary have always been a compassionate bunch, even offering suspects in Hector’s inquiries free pairs of waterproof underwear prior to interrogation. So we thought that we would help out the poor unfortunates who might find the ‘We Negotiate with Terrorists’ game a bit too taxing.

Hector Badge of Carnage Crawlthrough

If you click on the image above you will be taken to the exclusive Hector : Badge of Carnage Crawlthrough, that will help you solve the fiendishly difficult puzzles that lie await for you in the irreverent point and click adventure game.

Not sure how to convince that jumped up little turd in the police station to part with his trousers? Or how to get the hub of the Clappers Wreake porn industry shut down? This place has it all. The only thing we ask for in return is your dignity.

So if you are a dirty no good cheat with an imagination like a rusty colander who can’t finish a moderately clever game without having your hand held through the tricky bits this is the site for you. But if you have a single ounce of self respect and want to be able to look yourself in the mirror without feeling a wave of nausea and self-loathing then you will try and complete the game yourself and not bother with all of the winkie holding that goes on in the Crawlthrough.

But if you have no idea what Hector : Badge of Carnage is then I commend you for having persevered in reading this blog post for so long but would seriously question your sanity, as most people who have heard of the game don’t even make it this far. You can find out all you need to know about Hector at www.thehectorfiles.tv and if you are looking for something more interesting to read then I would suggest this.

What Credit Crunch?

The current economic downturn has had an impact on us all. The Credit Crunch has forced us all to tighten our belts, whether it is a Wall Street banker having to cancel his latest shipment of ivory back scratchers right down to the workers on Hector : Badge of Carnage having to sacrifice their usual delivery of Sticky Buns on a Friday in order to finish the game on budget.

But we at Straandlooper like to think that we have created a product that flies in the face of the global financial crisis. Hector : Badge of Carnage – the point and click adventure game for the iPhone and iPod Touch – is currently on sale on iTunes for a recession-busting price of £2.39.

So what I thought I would do today was show you what else you can get for 239 of your British pennies so you can judge for yourself what sort of value for money you are getting for your coin these days. Here is just a small sample of the delights you can purchase online for just under two and half Sterlings.

  • Black Flocked Topper Hat with Band

  • Pet Munchies Chicken Chips Healthy Natural Dog Treats

  • 95 9mm diameter Blue Coin Fire polished glass disc beads

  • Havana 60″ Drop White Net Curtain

  • General Electric Series G 50 Amp B Type MCB Circuit breaker

Circuit Breaker

Or you could buy Hector : Badge of Carnage – the most original point and click adventure game on the App Store!

Hector Out Now

What you get:

- 18 sordid, filthy, rundown locations
- 23 well-developed & witty characters (+ 1 stinking drunk)
- 40 Inventory items (includes Free Lubricant!)
- 397 interactive objects
- 2421 spoken lines of dialogue
- Cinematic cutscenes
- Original score
- A good few hours worth of low action puzzle-solving gameplay


Now I am no David Dickinson, but even I know that Hector is a little Bobby Dazzler, and is probably the best £2.39 you will ever spend in your life. So what are you waiting for. Blow the cobwebs off your wallet, take the padlock off your piggy bank and head on over to iTunes now and grab yourself a copy of Hector : Badge of Carnage. Click here to go to the Hector : Badge of Carnage page on iTunes now or go to www.thehectorfiles.tv to find out more about Hector : Fat Arse of the Law. Or go and buy your bloody circuit breakers and top hats. See if I care!

Sweet Mother of Debbie!

Indie Vault, an Italian website that provides news on game development, tutorials, indie games and tips for indie developers, has put together a list of the 10 best point and click adventure games made by independent studios that people might not have heard of. And Hector : Fat Arse of the Law has made it onto the list with the first installment of the trilogy of ‘Badge of Carnage’ games for the iPhone, iPod Touch and iPad – ‘We Negotiate with Terrorists’

Now, I am to translating Italian what Chris Moyles is to the Slim Fast Plan, so at this point I have to give special thanks to Google Translate for providing the rather interesting translations from the Indie Vaults website. Enjoy.

Who said the point and click are dead? That there are more adventures than once? That was better when we were worse? Despite what is said around, no need to wait a remake of Monkey Island or the return of an old franchise to get their hands on an adventure of quality, and who has time and desire to dig deep in the undergrowth indie knows. The recent Machinarium it was a clear example, praised by all for its excellent puzzles and her charming style, the game of Amanita Design has been a great media echo and has won several awards. However, the indie scene hides many adventures less publicized but no less deserving of being played, to keep you company in this hot summer so we decided to list 10 point and click you could be lost.

That was better when we were worse? Indeed. But I do have to agree with them when they say that the indie scene does indeed hides a few gems. And one of those gems comes in the rather undignified shape of Hector : Badge of Carnage.

Hector Out Now

Here is what they had to say about Hector : Badge of Carnage:

Recently appeared on the iPhone and iPod Touch, the first chapter of Hector: Badge of Carnage is definitely one of the best adventures published on Apple’s handheld platforms. The style of the drawings may be drawn largely misleading, since the game is definitely not suitable for a younger audience. Impersonating a detective atypical, very politically incorrect, the player will have to rob people to gather clues, beat in the most colorful suspicion or make a jump, with confidence, from the shop’s red-light trust. Hector enjoys good design, good dubbing and pleasant interlude scenes, but the strength is the irony and wickedness of dialogues and various game situations.

Not sure what making a jump from the red-light trust is, but I am glad that they enjoyed it. Thanks to the guys at Indie Vault for including us in their list. We are especially honoured to be the only iApp on the list, the rest of the games being either PC or Flash based games, the platform more normally associated with point and click adventure games. Maybe Hector will make his way onto the the PC platform some time in the future. You never know!!!

IndieVault Hector badge of Carnage

I would like to think that Hector : Badge of Carnage made it onto the list by merit alone and it was not as a result of the influence of Italian immigrant Filthy Rich from Clapper’s Wreake finest purveyor of smut – the Exotico porn shop. I would like to think that it simply because Hector : Badge of Carnage is a great game and I suggest that you toddle on down to the App Store now and get yourself a copy for your iPhone, iPod Touch or iPad. Click here to go to iTunes now or go to www.thehectorfiles.tv to find out more about Hector : Fat Arse of the Law.

Ciao Bella!

Brave the Filth of Hector!

Hector : Badge of Carnage – the point and click adventure game for the iPhone, iPod Touch and iPad has just been reviewed by AdventureGamers.com – the news and review site for all that is great and good in the world of adventure games.

Hector Badge of Carnage Adventure Gamers

They sum the game up quite nicely -

Its comic irreverence takes no prisoners, but iPhone users will want to brave the filth of this episodic adventure.

I have always said it, but there is nothing quite like a bit of filth and Hector : Badge of Carnage is filthier than Amy Winehouse’s undercrackers. Hector : Badge of Carnage ‘We Negotiate with Terrorists’ is the first installment of a proposed trilogy of games based on the adventures of Hector : Fat Arse of the Law – the violent, drunken and vulgar Detective Inspector of the Clappers Wreake Police Department. In this episode Clappers Wreake is in the grip of a hostage crisis and Hector is the only man who can help save the town from a fate worse than having to spend the night in the company of Noel Edmonds. You must guide Hector through the streets of Clappers Wreake, the crime capital of Britain, pointing and clicking your way through the town, interacting with the eclectic townsfolk such as Filthy Rich, the proprietor of the local porn shop, or Blind Ali, the local, well… blind guy and many more sordid and reprehensible characters. As I mentioned it is pretty filthy. But filthy in a good way. Like Katy Perry.

Hector Adventure Gamer

The guys at AdventureGamers.com clearly like their adventure games as it is probably the most comprehensive review that I have seen to date. So what do the guys in the know think of the game? Well, it should come as little surprise to you that they absolutely love it! They give the game 4 out of 5 stars listing the games ‘pros’ as:

  • Stylish Art and Animation
  • Fun Puzzles
  • Excellent Production Values
  • Genuinely Funny

Hector Badge of Carnage Adventure Gamers Score

In the downsides to the game they list a limited save system. Well, they will be delighted to hear that one of the first updates that we did for the game addressed this issue and the save system is now much more comprehensive. So you could probably chalk on another half a star to their score now! A big thank you to Adventure Gamers for the great review. The game was made for cats like this, the adventure gamer folk, as an homage to great point and click adventure games of the past like ‘Day of the Tentacle’ and the ‘Monkey Island’ series of games, so to get such a glowing review from this site is a very welcome addition to our growing list of fans.

Overall, Hector: Badge of Carnage is an excellent, if potty-mouthed, experience that makes a strong case for the iPhone and iPod Touch as adventure gaming platforms…

…if you’re hankering for a classic point-and-click experience like the genre’s golden days, or have been thinking to yourself “there really isn’t enough swearing in adventure games these days”, this game is well worth a look.

Click here to go to the Hector : Badge of Carnage page on iTunes now or go to www.thehectorfiles.tv to find out more about Hector : Fat Arse of the Law.

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